| Nourishing Love Languages By Donna Guldenstern, MA. LCMHC |
Whether we are female or male, our humanness genetically wires us with a universal, profound need — to feel loved, especially by the
significant other in our life.
Answering honestly, how satisfied are you or your loved one with your relationship? More often than not, do you each still feel loved by your
partner? Do you know what actually fills you or your loved one with feelings of being loved? What would you describe as your
primary love language? What exactly is a primary love language?
In his excellent, easy-to-read book, The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to your Mate, Dr. Gary Chapman
introduces the concept of Five Primary Love Languages (PLL) and utilizes the metaphor of a “love tank” (LT) to measure how much we are
feeling loved.
After 30 years of counseling couples, Dr. Chapman concluded that there are five emotional love languages: quality time, affirmations,
receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. He also suggests each of us has a primary love language (PLL) which abundantly fills
our LT. How deeply we are feeling loved, he suggests, is directly correlated to how much we are receiving our PLL.
When our LT’s are full, we feel “loved.” Appreciating the good qualities and strengths of our mates/partners comes easily.
With a half full LT, we feel unappreciated, disconnected, alone. Feeling less loved, we begin focusing on negative qualities and
shortcomings of our loved one. Approaching an empty LT, we feel hurt, angry, and resentful, and we start to have serious doubts about our
relationship.
Most relational difficulties, according to Dr. Chapman, occur because there is a mismatch in the PLL needed and the one being
given. Despite good acts or kindnesses, a mismatched PLL still fails to fill the love tank of your loved one.
If I am a person who thrives on quality time and my “dialect” or interpretation of quality time is a mix of personal conversation and trying new
activities together, that is what makes me feel loved. If my loved one brings me gifts or tells me how beautiful or kind I am, my love tank will
be less than half full and may actually drain to empty. Even though gift receiving and affirmations are each a PLL, because they are not
matching the PLL of quality time, they won’t fill my love tank.
Affirmations means expressing verbal appreciation directly to your loved one. Doing so in shared company doubles the impact. For example,
“Frank was great today. He took the kids to the park so I could have an uninterrupted afternoon to ….”
When the PLL is receiving gifts, the dialect could be things as small as a hand tool, a post it love note, a favorite CD, or something more
expensive like Red Sox tickets. Check which dialect has more meaning for your loved one.
Acts of service PLL “dialects” might include actively watching a sports program, running an errand, vacuuming, etc.
Physical touch can run the gamut from gently touching a hand or giving a foot massage, to initiating sexual intimacy.
If your love tank is currently hovering near empty, instead of complaining, Dr. Chapman recommends practicing your partner’s PLL for 90
days as a way to rekindle your relationship.
Uncertain what your loved one’s PLL is? Ask what things you might do to help him/her feel more loved. Alternatively, observe what they
usually do for you or others. It is generally a sign of their PLL.
Emotionally satisfying, healthy relationships require decisions to practice loving acts. Practicing our loved one’s PLL appears to be a more
healing alternative to criticizing.
Donna Guldenstern, MA. LCMHC enjoys facilitating the personal, relational and spiritual growth of her clients. Blending many clinical and
spiritual principles, she’s provided individual, couple and family therapy for over 20 years in her private practice. Donna’s facilitated
womens retreats in New England; led spiritual groups and conducted professional seminars. Contact Donna at Evergreen Counseling
Services 626-5400 or evergreen.dg@gmail.com
significant other in our life.
Answering honestly, how satisfied are you or your loved one with your relationship? More often than not, do you each still feel loved by your
partner? Do you know what actually fills you or your loved one with feelings of being loved? What would you describe as your
primary love language? What exactly is a primary love language?
In his excellent, easy-to-read book, The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to your Mate, Dr. Gary Chapman
introduces the concept of Five Primary Love Languages (PLL) and utilizes the metaphor of a “love tank” (LT) to measure how much we are
feeling loved.
After 30 years of counseling couples, Dr. Chapman concluded that there are five emotional love languages: quality time, affirmations,
receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. He also suggests each of us has a primary love language (PLL) which abundantly fills
our LT. How deeply we are feeling loved, he suggests, is directly correlated to how much we are receiving our PLL.
When our LT’s are full, we feel “loved.” Appreciating the good qualities and strengths of our mates/partners comes easily.
With a half full LT, we feel unappreciated, disconnected, alone. Feeling less loved, we begin focusing on negative qualities and
shortcomings of our loved one. Approaching an empty LT, we feel hurt, angry, and resentful, and we start to have serious doubts about our
relationship.
Most relational difficulties, according to Dr. Chapman, occur because there is a mismatch in the PLL needed and the one being
given. Despite good acts or kindnesses, a mismatched PLL still fails to fill the love tank of your loved one.
If I am a person who thrives on quality time and my “dialect” or interpretation of quality time is a mix of personal conversation and trying new
activities together, that is what makes me feel loved. If my loved one brings me gifts or tells me how beautiful or kind I am, my love tank will
be less than half full and may actually drain to empty. Even though gift receiving and affirmations are each a PLL, because they are not
matching the PLL of quality time, they won’t fill my love tank.
Affirmations means expressing verbal appreciation directly to your loved one. Doing so in shared company doubles the impact. For example,
“Frank was great today. He took the kids to the park so I could have an uninterrupted afternoon to ….”
When the PLL is receiving gifts, the dialect could be things as small as a hand tool, a post it love note, a favorite CD, or something more
expensive like Red Sox tickets. Check which dialect has more meaning for your loved one.
Acts of service PLL “dialects” might include actively watching a sports program, running an errand, vacuuming, etc.
Physical touch can run the gamut from gently touching a hand or giving a foot massage, to initiating sexual intimacy.
If your love tank is currently hovering near empty, instead of complaining, Dr. Chapman recommends practicing your partner’s PLL for 90
days as a way to rekindle your relationship.
Uncertain what your loved one’s PLL is? Ask what things you might do to help him/her feel more loved. Alternatively, observe what they
usually do for you or others. It is generally a sign of their PLL.
Emotionally satisfying, healthy relationships require decisions to practice loving acts. Practicing our loved one’s PLL appears to be a more
healing alternative to criticizing.
Donna Guldenstern, MA. LCMHC enjoys facilitating the personal, relational and spiritual growth of her clients. Blending many clinical and
spiritual principles, she’s provided individual, couple and family therapy for over 20 years in her private practice. Donna’s facilitated
womens retreats in New England; led spiritual groups and conducted professional seminars. Contact Donna at Evergreen Counseling
Services 626-5400 or evergreen.dg@gmail.com
The Applaud Women publication is dedicated to women in New Hampshire and northern Massachusetts. It's purpose is to inspire, inform, and
applaud local women. The core of the magazine is our inspirational women's articles, most of which feature local women but occasionally we are
able to interview national women who we feel provide a unique inspiration for our readers. Our other articles cover topics of interest such as food
recipes, home, garden, beauty, health, fashion, dating, parenting, seniors, finance, business, hair care, skin care, advice, real estate, insurance,
weddings etc. Each issue has a feature section as well. Many of our articles are written by local business people who provide information
relevant to their business expertise. The Applaud Women website is also a resource center for local women including the most comprehensive
listings of Restaurants, Weddings, Female doctors and Hotels. It also includes a number of informational pages with links, articles and RSS feeds
to both local and national websites of interest to women in NH & n. MA.
applaud local women. The core of the magazine is our inspirational women's articles, most of which feature local women but occasionally we are
able to interview national women who we feel provide a unique inspiration for our readers. Our other articles cover topics of interest such as food
recipes, home, garden, beauty, health, fashion, dating, parenting, seniors, finance, business, hair care, skin care, advice, real estate, insurance,
weddings etc. Each issue has a feature section as well. Many of our articles are written by local business people who provide information
relevant to their business expertise. The Applaud Women website is also a resource center for local women including the most comprehensive
listings of Restaurants, Weddings, Female doctors and Hotels. It also includes a number of informational pages with links, articles and RSS feeds
to both local and national websites of interest to women in NH & n. MA.
The opinions and information provided within the Applaud Women publication or on the Applaud Women website are not necessarily those of Applaud Women, it's officers, staff or
contributing writers. Nor does inclusion on ApplaudWomen.com constitute endorsement of the views, products, services or informational content contained within the publication, advertising
on found anywhere on the website. Applaud Women values accuracy; however, Applaud Women does not warranty the accuracy of material provided by it's writers, advertisers or any
information provided by other sources included on the website.
No reproduction of any part of this page or any other page on the website is permitted without the express permission of Applaud Women.
contributing writers. Nor does inclusion on ApplaudWomen.com constitute endorsement of the views, products, services or informational content contained within the publication, advertising
on found anywhere on the website. Applaud Women values accuracy; however, Applaud Women does not warranty the accuracy of material provided by it's writers, advertisers or any
information provided by other sources included on the website.
No reproduction of any part of this page or any other page on the website is permitted without the express permission of Applaud Women.
The Applaud Women publication is dedicated to women in New Hampshire and northern Massachusetts. It's purpose is to inspire, inform, and
applaud local women. The core of the magazine is our inspirational women's articles, most of which feature local women but occasionally we are
able to interview national women who we feel provide a unique inspiration for our readers. Our other articles cover topics of interest such as food
recipes, home, garden, beauty, health, fashion, dating, parenting, seniors, finance, business, hair care, skin care, advice, real estate, insurance,
weddings etc. Each issue has a feature section as well. Many of our articles are written by local business people who provide information
relevant to their business expertise. The Applaud Women website is also a resource center for local women including the most comprehensive
listings of Restaurants, Weddings, Female doctors and Hotels. It also includes a number of informational pages with links, articles and RSS feeds
to both local and national websites of interest to women in NH & n. MA.
applaud local women. The core of the magazine is our inspirational women's articles, most of which feature local women but occasionally we are
able to interview national women who we feel provide a unique inspiration for our readers. Our other articles cover topics of interest such as food
recipes, home, garden, beauty, health, fashion, dating, parenting, seniors, finance, business, hair care, skin care, advice, real estate, insurance,
weddings etc. Each issue has a feature section as well. Many of our articles are written by local business people who provide information
relevant to their business expertise. The Applaud Women website is also a resource center for local women including the most comprehensive
listings of Restaurants, Weddings, Female doctors and Hotels. It also includes a number of informational pages with links, articles and RSS feeds
to both local and national websites of interest to women in NH & n. MA.
The opinions and information provided within the Applaud Women publication or on the Applaud Women website are not necessarily those of Applaud Women, it's officers, staff or
contributing writers. Nor does inclusion on ApplaudWomen.com constitute endorsement of the views, products, services or informational content contained within the publication, advertising
on found anywhere on the website. Applaud Women values accuracy; however, Applaud Women does not warranty the accuracy of material provided by it's writers, advertisers or any
information provided by other sources included on the website.
No reproduction of any part of this page or any other page on the website is permitted without the express permission of Applaud Women.
contributing writers. Nor does inclusion on ApplaudWomen.com constitute endorsement of the views, products, services or informational content contained within the publication, advertising
on found anywhere on the website. Applaud Women values accuracy; however, Applaud Women does not warranty the accuracy of material provided by it's writers, advertisers or any
information provided by other sources included on the website.
No reproduction of any part of this page or any other page on the website is permitted without the express permission of Applaud Women.