Self Awareness - Applaud Women

Divine Inspirations
Alexandria
744-2557

I DO Bridal & Tuxedo
Alton
875-4848

Wooden Soldier Ltd
Bartlett
356-5643

Modern Bride & Formal Shop
Rte. 101
Bedford
472-4933

Betty Dee Fashions
Berlin
752-5141

Sherry's Veils
Bow
493-2775

Heidi's Bridal Boutique
Claremont
542-3345

Linda's Country Lane Bridal
Claremont
543-0882

A Day to Remember Bridal
Boutique
1 North Main St.
Concord
228.8031

Cassie’s Bridal
41 North Main Street
Concord
227-0561

The Perfect Dress For You
Concord
856-8829

Two Hearts Bridal Boutique
Dover
743-1433

Custom Bridal Veils
Exeter
778-6440

Townsend's Bridal & Formal
Center
Exeter
778-0280

William Fitz Bridal
Fitzwilliam
585-9555

Bridals by Giuseppe
Freedom
236-4543

Maria Antonieta Couture
Bridal
Gorham
839-5440

Country Bridals and Formal
Wear
17 Main Street
Jaffrey
532-7641

Self Awareness
by Christa Jan Ryan

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The unexamined life is not worth living.   -Socrates        [From Dialogs]

    I was able to arrive at self-awareness at the age of 45, when my life exploded before my eyes. The marriage of
23 years was no longer working, I couldn’t make head or tails out of what my 6 digit income to cover my 7 digit
overhead was all about. I would fleetingly spend time with my children after many pleas of ‘when are you going to be
done working and why are you so stressed out?’ I was becoming a liability to my own life.

    To resolve most of what I was beginning to see as ambivalent feelings, I needed to feel a strong and helpful
sense of myself. Such an awareness doesn’t happen overnight, and no one’s self-awareness is permanent.
Everyone has the capacity for growth, and for self-awareness, through an honest encounter with reality. That was
the problem.....I was Dying in My Denial of how I faced my problems. When I stopped avoiding the issues and met
them directly, always trying to resolve them, they started to lose the power that they held over me. Avoidance had
always been my sidekick. It has always been shown to me that my perpetual state of avoidance was because of my
inability to accept my life or my situation. I was a fixer, enabler, codependent-compliant.

    The real test came when I was willing to confide and share my first accurate self-survey. When I was able to
release the years of dammed-up emotions and break out of my avoidance of emotions that I held in solitary
confinement, I was able to actually feel the pain diminish, watch the power they held over me subside, and be a
witness to having a healing tranquility come over my being. Serenity seeped into the chaos of my life when I
accepted that what I was going through was life, and that God would help me through my difficulties – and much
more. It had been my tendency to recoil from taking responsibility for anything: I would deny, ignore, blame and
finally avoid. Then it seemed one day I was able to honestly look, admit and accept. Here started the new-found
freedom in the healing and the recovery that lead to enlarging my self-awareness through the experience of
looking, admitting and accepting. Taking responsibility and ownership for what is my part in this was the beginning
of being released from — life-long bondage of self.

    Peace is only possible for me when I let go of expectations. When I’m trapped in thoughts about what I want and
what I should be coming to me, I’m in a state of fear or anxious anticipation and this is not conducive to furthering
my self-awareness. When I’m in one of these states I look for fear. Fear is always the corroding thread of my
distress: Fear of failure, fear of others’ opinions; fear of harm, and a multitude of other harmful, fearful thoughts.
There can be no serenity when I’m captivated with the future, or regretting the past. My self-awareness of the
moment and what is happening in the moment goes down the toilet. For me, it has been a full-time job to be in the
mindful moment of what is actually transpiring with what I’m feeling.

    So much of my growth in self-awareness has been being able to abort all feelings that are no longer serving my
serenity and peace of mind. All of my life had been dependant on other people for my emotional needs and
security, but today I choose not to live that way. I have given up believing that any human power can relieve of that
empty feeling or feelings of validation that I can only attend to with God’s love. When I am in this state of self-
awareness, I can achieve a greater potential for myself by developing an ever-increasing willingness to avail myself
of the guidance and direction of God and what He has called me to do and be a part of.

From; Silent Screams from the Hamptons   Chapter 19   Calling All Angels
Page   180

    In the grips of my alcoholism, I was close to spiritual death. I began attending a church for the first time in thirty-
five years in search of spiritual direction. I had heard good things about a new Pastor and his wife, just arrived
missionaries from Equador. Through them I learned about a God of second chances. This stirred a sense of divine
spirit that filled the empty void in my life with a power of love. I started to become quieter in my thinking and move
from my heart.


Christa Jan Ryan is the author of "Silent Screams from the Hamptons" and "From the Depths of a Woman’s Soul".
Visit her at   www.silentscreamsfromthehamptons.com Or www.christajanryan.com